


Maybe

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Dreams and Nightmares, Hurt No Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Not Beta Read, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:27:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24678430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: He goes through 'maybe's' and 'what-if's' in his head.(Character isn't specified, read it as whoever you want.)
Kudos: 7





	Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> ☹️

He wanted to scream.

He wanted to sob. He wanted to blast his music in his ears until he could repress his thoughts - or at least make them quieter. He wanted to let himself cry as loud as he wanted, without the fear of waking someone. It was 1:13am. His grandma went to bed at 11:34pm. Why was he even crying right now? It's not like he knew, he just started feeling bad, terrible, and next thing he knew he was crying and shaking.

Maybe it has something to do with him being on his period and the constant reminder that he -is- was a girl. Maybe it has something to do with the sudden knowledge of how many of his best friends (or regular friends) left him. Maybe it has something to do with the gunshots he's heard since yesterday, two different houses, two different gunshots. He knew it had something to do with what's going on in the world right now, but that doesn't make the sudden loud noise any less frightening. Maybe it had something to do with the fan making the light look like it's flickering. Maybe it was just his overly emotional ass doing too much again. Maybe it was his lack of knowing what to do next in his book he started even though he only has one chapter done and what if there's not enough words, what if people hate it, what if no one reads it because he's spent hours on the idea and he's actually really fucking proud of it, what if it's not good enough, what if nothings good enough for anyone?

Or maybe it was his overthinking..

Maybe it was the music he was listening to? Doubtful, but at this point everything was. Maybe, and this is pretty far out there, it's because his ex told him she's got a girlfriend? But he knows for a fact that he doesn't to be with her. So it's unlikely. 

Maybe it was his ingrown toenail that suddenly oozed pus out of it so he searched up why and the pictures and the thought of the surgery and the pain that sent him into a panic attack and he can't even tell anyone because it's fucking gross? That sounds like a valid reason. Still..

Maybe it was the talk he had with his mom today? She was talking about if he came out as gay she wouldn't accept it, but she'd tolerate it enough, "Look, it says here that: "I came out to my mom and she kept saying things like 'so are there any boys at school you like?' when she knows I'm gay." I'd be like that, because tolerance isn't acceptance. To me, tolerance is like 'ok, I realize that you're gay, and I don't like it and I'll look away when you do something fag-like, but I don't hate you as a person.' and acceptance is 'oh I agree with being a fag! It's okay, nothings wrong with you, even though you wanna stick your dicks in each other, I accept you!'"

She also said, "I wouldn't hate someone for being gay, but if they said 'I was born that way' as an excuse I'd say 'so you were born with a mental disability?' because they were. If you are a same-sex liker, your brain got fucked up."

She also said, "A transgender is bad." To which he replied, "no they're not. Well, it's bad for them, that they were born as something they're not. That would suck." Because he's closeted and trying to not show any signs right now because holy hell he's scared.

(Maybe it's because he got called a girl and got referred to by 'she/her' pronouns all day and he's on his shark week so that doubles the pain, insult to injury.)

His shit hole of a mother also said more stuff, but something tells him remembering it wouldn't help his current situation. 

Maybe it was the conversation he had with his mom last night, where she'd laughed at him and called him weird, which, honestly, the bitch wonders why he doesn't talk to her unless he has too -- he has so much built up rage towards her. And his dad, but that's a while new level of hatred, and his mother's the bitch bothering him most right now.

Last night they were talking about something that led to talking about dreams or something that caused his mom to bring this dream up, "remember that time when you were little? You woke up and," At this point, he knew what she was talking about so he made an 'o' shape with his mouth, "you couldn't stop crying because you were convinced that the frog would die." His mom finished and he snapped his fingers, making a finger gun after. "Oh my gosh, yeah! The white frog! I remember that, it felt so real, like I thought he'd die behind the living room thingy." 

"You kept telling daddy to get behind the entertainment center so he could get the frog." (Yes, his mom and dad still call each other "mommy"/ "daddy" even though he and his brother stopped doing it about a year ago. He's pretty sure it's a kink.)

Then he was overwhelmed with all the emotions he felt that day, waking up and desperately trying to get to the white frog, though it never existed beyond his dream, and had tears in his eyes. He tried to laugh them away. "Yeah, I know, I could've sworn he brought home a white frog, it had the most beautiful-but-also-unsettling red eyes.." He sniffled. 

His mom looked over to him worriedly, "are you ok?" He nodded. "J-just, I don't know, it felt so.. real." Paused while he tried (and failed) to wipe his tears away. "Like the frog actually existed, like dad brought him home in a box -- I still remember the color, it was light blue with white stripes -- and I held him but he- he jumped out of my hands and.." He didn't know why it made him cry, especially after all these years. But his mom said, "aww, sweetie, come 'ere." And pulled him into her chest.

He continued to cry for a while after that, from more than the frog, but his mother didn't need to know that. Plus, he had a feeling she knew. She said something else important that night. Something that could've been a reason why he feels like this right now, something he should've remembered, but he didn't. And for some reason -- he was more than content with that.

Maybe it's all of those things, maybe it's none of them. Maybe it's a mixture.

Well, he'd never know, because at 3:14am, the feeling stopped just as abruptly as it came.

(Also fuck that frog, it emotionally scarred him.)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, look at that! I posted twice in one night (technically morning).
> 
> Side note, this is my third vent fic this week, should I talk to someone? Probably not lol <3.
> 
> Another side note, I stand by that last statement in the fic. That motherfroger- (I'm hilarious, I know, 😒)


End file.
